And then I didn't know how to follow that up, felt guilty about Not Getting Things Done, and disappeared for a month. Sorry about that. I guess we're back to the semi-regular nonsense of me talking into the void again. Also, I have a cold.
Going to talk with my supportive parent about making a donation to a trans-supportive or general LGBTQ charity or nonprofit for a holiday gift. Slowly pinning down the wishlist, though it's always uncertain. Clothing continues to be a recurring theme, especially since I'm eating less candy -- I have way too much of a sweet tooth, so that's probably a good thing.
I'm actually asking for a couple binders this year! I'm looking right now at gc2b, Underworks, and also Shapeshifters, since all three are supposed to be good. Still need to sit down and talk specifics though.
Also, I've been sick all week, so uh. Whoops. The fever hasn't been too bad, and I must be drinking enough water to ward off the headaches at this point, but it's all still gross and bluh, and I'm still going through loads of tissues and coughing a bunch. I blame my little sib for being the house's patient zero, but I can't actually be mad or anything. Not like they meant to get sick, despite the habit of doing everything they can to avoid washing their hands. (Why are you like this, small children? Why?)
Anyway, so that's a recap, I suppose. It's winter break. Finals are over. I'm sick, but I hope to get binders for the holidays.
Oh, and uh. I am in Steven Universe Fear, and it's AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. So there's that.
Boots are unfortunately hard to find, so they'll have to wait. But I don't mind. I think they'll be pretty damn cool, and worth it.
On a more important note, today is Trans Day of Rememberance.
There was a booth in the central path through campus today, and I only saw it between classes, so I had to walk past. The paper signs taped to the edges of the canopy were fill-in-the-blanks from passers by, two sets of statements: "as a trans ally I will ___", and "as a trans person I wish ___". As a possibly trans(???) person, I wish I had stopped to look and speak, and as someone I hope can be an ally, I feel like I have failed to do anything.
I'll have to find something to do. I regret hurrying by. My teacher for the class I was headed to is strict about lateness, but it still would (should) have been worth it.
I want to stop. I should. To slow down. To think.
I'm going to try.
There is a wealth of trans experience I will likely never know or comprehend. Many days I'm barely sure I even belong under that umbrella, no matter how often I find someone offering people like me in. I have yet to see these things, to feel these things, and I am lucky enough to not feel so strongly that I cannot hide anymore, that every wrong word and every eye on me does not feel like a slap in the face or a stab to the heart.
I am lucky I can hide, and I can let people assume (though even that has grown more difficult to ignore, the longer I've explored it), and I have other aspects of privelege that put me in less danger than so many people under that umbrella, people who I can't help but feel need it much more than I do.
I have rarely taken action. It's something I've always had trouble with, for a variety of reasons. I want to care, but I am also someone who would probably ignore a fire in the same room as me until it was crackling at my sleeves because I was busy and could push it off until "later". I don't know what I'm doing. I don't yet know how to help.
Today, I am still going to try.
It's kinda funny how time goes by so quick.
Modified the site CSS again, just a little. The horizontal bars now use the actual <hr> tag, and fade at the ends, too!
I've been thinking about fashion stuff. When I was younger, I didn't think much about style or fashion at all -- I just kind of wore whatever was comfortable. I wore t-shirts exclusively, and the only pants I really wore were jeans, plus that one pair of boy's shorts (I wore a lot of comfy skirts, though.) Now that I've started exploring gender stuff, I guess I've become a lot more aware of style and aesthetic and stuff, and interested in trying different looks? And I guess I've also started considering trying out clothes I've always lowkey wanted to try wearing but just had no reason to try in the past.
I've been considering taking a kind of capsule-wardrobe approach to this for now: in other words, having a small collection of clothes for each style I want to try wearing, generally based around one or two articles of clothing that I think are cool. As it is, my flannels are sort of one collection, and my formalwear is another, and then I guess my usual t-shirt and jeans look is a third, but much bigger collection, too. There's room for overlap, though -- most of my t-shirts get worn with flannel and vice versa, plus the formalwear boots get worn kinda whenever.
I've had my eye on a badass looking pair of boots lately, and I think that might end up being another collection, especially if I end up getting some fingerless gloves, too. I really like the feel of those -- just something very comfy and cool about them. That might combine with my black shorts and button shirt, and maybe the red t-shirt, too? Eh, it's a WIP.
Still excercising. I've moved up to twenty minutes, recently, and I'm really happy with myself for keeping it up!
Halloween just went by too fast, didn't it? I at least got to watch Hocus Pocus with the family -- it's a classic, and we've started watching it more-or-less yearly to make up for the lack of trick-or-treating. Only a handful of trick-or-treaters showed up, but it was fine.
Got to be a wicked witch for the trick-or-treaters. Had a minor internal gender crisis trying to figure out something because I enjoyed wearing a skirt and hadn't minded not be androgynous/felt almost relaxed, like taking off a costume, but at the same time I also didn't want to be full-on femme? Like, if there had been makeup or boobs involved, I would have run the other way, but just wearing a skirt and cloak and being a cackling witch was fun?
I don't even know, and I can't tell if it's a style thing or a gender thing or an acting thing or what. My mind kinda equates "casual dress" to "being a woman", which I think was part of why I ended up doubting myself and adding another thought to the Complicated Gender Thoughts pile, but I'm pretty sure that thought pattern is more because comfortable clothes, no matter how unisex they may be, do not look terribly unisex on a body with curves and boobs. Looking androgynous requires actually paying attention to my appearance, and doing stuff to maintain it, so that's probably why.
Successfully completed my main costume, though, which I actually wore to classes! The formalwear needed some minor adjustments (I got the pants secondhad and had to undo the last person's alterations), but I think it worked quite well. :)
Still excercising daily. I've gotten a little better at it, and increased to fifteen minutes a day.
Started excercising. Used the bike dad uses for his excercise. It's actually nice, I think, and it's good to do something like that regularly. For the moment I'm aiming for maybe ten minutes a day, just to get used to it and to start up a routine without pushing myself too hard right away. I'm really not very fit, so I'm starting small.
I've always had a thicker sort of shape, and some definitely ungainly legs. If they're going to be like that, they might as well be strong, too. Might be nice to have some muscles for once.
In other news, I have six days to get my hands on a white shirt and black dress pants for Halloween, plus taking the capelet to the dry cleaner's. I'll need to write it down somewhere so I'll remember, but I don't really want to put my to-do lists here, so I'm just mentioning it instead.
The people have come and gone. It was nice, if exhausting. It's nice to get some peace and quiet.
Changed the site CSS again, to something a bit easier to scroll, not to mention mobile-friendly. I think it's probably better that way. Nice and simple.
I have a midterm this week, so my father is breathing down my neck about studying as usual, and then complaining when he ends up nearly late for work because I'm garbage at getting up in the mornings and this slow, frustrating morning just happened to coincide with a meeting.
It's both sad and entertaining the way he talks and acts like my executive function issues (well, to him, "poor time management" and "getting distracted") are a recent problem, rather than something he's only recently become aware of.
"This week, you can't spend any time dilly-dallying. Every hour is planned and accounted for." Dear lord, if only I had the capacity for something like that. As it is, I'm lucky to get forty-five minutes of progress out of an hour of studying.
The internet doesn't help. Why did I pick an online course? Why have I not learned from my mistakes? What hubris is this, that I keep choosing situations that make things wildly inefficient and think I won't end up a self-loathing emotional mess? How the hell am I still getting good grades?
At any rate, I'd rather stick with finding it entertaining. Every time I hear something about how "lately" or "this quarter" I'm having problems, all I can think is, I have literally been this way since elementary school, for fuck's sake.
I'm pretty sure I can trace it worsening back to when I first got a personal computer, but I was a distracted, doodling, "does not follow directions" kind of kid as far back as first grade, if those old report cards were any judge.
Anyway, enough rambling about my childhood. That was probably an unnecessary tangent.
In other news, I got another button-down shirt. It's black, made of thicker cloth than the flannels, and if I button it up I look vaguely like I'm about to either start soliluquizing with a skull in my hand, draw a rapier from my belt, or both.
I think it's the best piece of formalwear I've ever owned.
Class continues. Another midterm approaches. Hard to believe it's already mid-October. I should find a white shirt and some dress pants to wear with the thrift store capelet for a costume.
Obviously, coming out day was not to be. Mum and sister are in the same boat, though, so at least we have each other. One of these days, I hope, it will be different.
They had an event for that day, in the cafeteria lounge. I wandered in and took some candies and read a pamphlet from the box, and I stared, uncertain and longing, at strands of colored beads arranged into flag stripes, and pictured putting just the right ones together. Such pretty shades of purple.
It's a bittersweet day, I guess.
Today there are honey cookies for coming holidays in a big batch, sweet and sugary crusted and perfectly imperfect. I feel a bit guilty for not helping with the garlands or anything, alternately studying hard or pretending and struggling with myself. I'll live, though.
We'll get to see the full moon tonight.
Welp. Classes have had me really busy, so I haven't had time to write here much, but I can hope to provide an update!
... there's not really much to update, though.
Um... I guess I'm not doing terribly grades-wise so far? I've only forgotten to hand in one assignment, and handed it in the next day with an apology. One of the teachers doesn't assign much required homework, so that's really nice. Not as bad as the quarters with Calculus. Another course has had longer-term assignments, though, making up for that.
Speaking of which: my first proper assignment for that class was certainly An Experience. I didn't realize it existed until two days before it was due, and literally submitted it at 11:58 PM, because I'm a dumbass. Somehow the teacher's only complaint was that I failed to put my name on one document.
Seeing as that document was literally made in the last twenty minutes before submitting, I think I'm a little proud of how not-disastrously that came out.
Anyway, I've got studying to do today, since the first midterm is at the end of this week, so I'll be signing off for now.
The flannels are working out great. :)
Whoops, time went by way too fast.
The whole avoid-movie-spoilers thing lasted all for three days because those SONGS are just! So good?! I got one stuck in my head and I have to be super careful not to sing the lyrics because my other sibling doesn't want to be spoiled at all, but it's so freaking catchy I can barely stop myself.
Got some flannel shirts from the thrift store yesterday, continuing my journey into popular approaches to androgyny. I can see why it's so popular with folks who've got busts, though -- the cut and looseness hides curves and boobs, the style is traditionally masculine enough to nudge things in that direction, the collar hides bra straps etc, and they're really comfy, too!
Classes are always pretty stressful, but I'm hoping this fall quarter goes pretty smoothly, and I can't wait to try wearing some of these new shirts once they're washed.
Whoops, was busy. Most of family went to visit another relative; had ~36 hours of peace and quiet beyond what is normally possible with younger sibling around.
Got sports bras! They are good, and while they obviously don't fully do away with the bust, they actually flatten it a fair bit visually. Under shirts of certain cuts and fabrics, it works pretty well. It's been exciting.
Drew a little, wrote a little. There's a very particular category of tropes I find myself fond of and returning to time and time again, in imagining stories and in writing and reading them. May or may not outline that later? I don't know.
EXTREMELY excited for tomorrow's Steven Universe movie. I'll have to avoid tumblr for a while to avoid massive spoilers, especially since I'm not sure when I'll be able to see it. I guess it doesn't make too much sense to be excited in that case, but it's just! Really cool? I can't wait to see it, honestly.
Side note: changed site font because longer paragraphs were hard to read with monospace font.
Being an adult is weird. No, I will not elaborate.
Going bra shopping today, to get a better sports bra (or two.) My current one is not great, and I only have one, meaning I can't wear it all the time. Also, compression sports bras exist, and might be very useful for flattening my chest without a full-on binder.
I am hesitant to actually try a binder just yet, mainly because I think my dad might question where my bust went, and that isn't a conversation I want to have. I am nowhere near being out to him about anything yet. Nobody in this family is really out to him.
Anyway, I hope I can figure things out soon enough. I am pretty sure I am not quite binary at this point, but I still am unsure of the details. This haircut was a great decision, though, and I do not regret it.
Happy 64? Y'know, because August 8th? Eight times eight?
Didn't get a lot done, but I showered and I'm going to do some CS practice tonight, because I haven't done that in too long.
Little sibling has been going to day camp this week, offering more time for anime watching, which I have been predictably squandering in favor of fanfiction -- mostly reading, but some writing. I have begun watching One Punch Man, though, and watched the first episode of Assassination Classroom. (The latter was... something, definitely.)
Also, the sports festival arc is finally fucking over. And Stain! Whee. I think the next episode is the 'meanwhile, during everyone else's internships...' episode, but honestly I don't even mind this bit of filler. At least it's not the same thing for ten episodes straight.
Also also: finished the second season of Mob Psycho 100! I'm really enjoying this show, and also Mobu is good and I Love him.
Apologies for the infrequency of entries, though. That seems to be part of the whole bad-at-diary-keeping thing. On the other hand, I still remembered to write, so I guess that's a small victory.
07/26/2019 (12:30 AM)
There's been something so lovely about the quiet now.
I've gotten far less done that I would have liked these last two weeks, but at least I finally remembered to write an entry tonight.
We got takeout tonight. We're repainting the kitchen cabinets, so the stove is all covered up and there's tape everywhere, and the dining area smell of paint. The new color looks nice, though, and we'll have access to the oven tomorrow when the second coat dries. It's all a bit of a mess, but it'll be worth it, probably.
We've all been eating cherries out of this one bag of them that got left on the counter several days ago, and it probably says something about my family that nobody has bothered to move it somewhere less haphazard. It just sits beside the kettle and the teabags, still in the plastic grocery bag, as one cherry near the bottom goes moldy, and everyone has found time and effort to carefully move the other cherries away, but not to put the bag in the fridge or on a better part of the counter. I'm not sure where this observation is going. It's just funny to me, and now it's late and my stream of consciousness has come pouring out onto the page.
Slowly watching My Hero Academia, season two. The sports festival arc just won't fucking end. It's been so many episodes. I barely remember what's going on. It's just been match after match, though I think the next one gets interrupted by another more meaningful plot arc kicking it in the face and stabbing someone.
I should probably be sleeping.
Relatives have left. The house is so quiet.
I guess this site is approaching a one-month anniversary. I don't know it will go from here, but I hope to keep writing at least for one year.
I have a questionable track record with diaries, so this may end up abandoned eventually, but there's something compelling about shouting into the void that I can only hope will keep me around for another eleven months.
In other news, I have two followers now. Not sure how to feel about that, but I knew what I was doing when I made this site, so I can't exactly complain, and the supportiveness is nice.
Haircut! I now have short hair and bangs, and look vaguely like a more tomboyish Velma from Scooby-Doo, though that part might be temporary. I'm not really used to bangs, so it'll take a while to figure things out, especially when they keep trying to go back to their center part, but this is definitely something like what I wanted.
Dad saw the pictures and got a bit confused and annoyed, saying that my reference images had a 'boy haircut', and seems now to be quietly searching for excuses to find fault in it or make me reconsider, but I am happy with this look, and I won't let him take that from me.
The rest of my family has been pretty chill, though. I think I look cute, so that's probably the most important factor.
Little sib's birthday was fun, at least. Pancakes for breakfast, and I got to go out at the last moment to get a gift from the grocery store. That was nice.
Two days to haircut. I feel more feminine today, but would still like to look a little androgynous. Uncertain about pixie cut. Might find a longer-haired compromise if it doesn't work out, but I still want to try it.
It's strange to think of myself, almost a decade ago, a little child in brightly colored leggings and all the fashion skill of an third-grader left to dress herself, staring down at the new baby and reaching out to touch one tiny baby hand. Considering the possibilities. Imagining how it might go from there.
It's impressive what can change in ten years. I didn't expect most of it (not that I expected much, at that age, but I recall imagining what the new sibling might be like.) It's been a ride, and it's been life, and I just can't help but think about it. How much it's changed. How much we've grown.
I'm glad we turned out okay.
Mostly uneventful. Returned some library books, and watched more of Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, since I was able to be home mostly alone for an hour.
Little sibling's birthday approaches too quickly. I still need to figure out a gift that isn't a card or legos.
Bought a sports bra. I've been meaning to for a while, but bra sizing is hard, and I hadn't found time.
I also managed to look slightly androgynous today, and got a stumbling compliment from grandmother, which made me squee inside, so. Add that one to the 'gender is a mystery' box. Definitely feeling less like a girl today. The confusion might have just been a reaction to my questionable fashion sense, though.
Trip to the mall was somewhat enjoyable, as a once-a-year event. Pretty tired, though. I'm not sure I'm strictly an introvert, but the noise was exhausting. At least I got some boba tea, which was nice.
Haircut is scheduled in little over a week. I think I'm going with a pixie cut. I'll grow it out if I don't like it.
Freedom is unsurprisingly filled with getting nothing done because the internet beckons. Some art has been made, but isn't worth posting here, since I put it online elsewhere and I don't want to link this back to any of my other online identities. Maybe I'll make something later for this site.
Relatives will be visiting next week, so that'll be. Interesting. Fun. Those are definitely words I could theoretically describe it as. I might have less to say in that time. Or more, if I want to vent.
At least I have this.
I'm free! For now, anyway. I was actually able to draw yesterday, and write, and enjoy myself. So that's something.
Haircut seems like the next major event coming up, so I've been looking at ideas for what I want. Still deciding between pixie and something a little longer and shaggier, but I'm getting there. It's still exciting to cut it that short, honestly. I've been oscillating between a bob and something past the shoulders for several years now, so it seems worth experimenting with presentation, especially if I'm interested in looking a little more androgynous.
Expanded some about stuff. Still figuring it out. Studying most of the day. This is being written in a ten minute break.
Little has changed. Finals approach, and I can't seem to find time for anything interesting. Not that I should be ungrateful.
Wish I could draw. It's soothing, but math is more important right now.
I'm already reconsidering the site name, but I can't exactly change it. I like these colors, though. They're cozy.
It was cathartic to make that profile. Those thoughts, especially about gender, had been percolating for a while, and to get them out on the page was to lay it out on the table to be seen, and understand.
Considering a haircut. A short boys' style might be nice for a change, not to mention the summer.
Began a site for a diary and considered the nature of leaving behind such private artefacts so publicly. I'll record thoughts and other things here, but take care.
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